Wake up call
Today was the first day I only took one dose of pain medicine. It is the fourth consecutive day I’ve been sleeping 12+ hours every day and only leaving the house to get more soup and crackers from the corner store.
I’m recovering from my surgery where they removed a lump in my breast.
On one hand, I’m relieved that it’s taken care of. It could have been something much worse. On the other hand, I feel disappointed that it’s put a hamper on the start of my new year. I feel like I’m behind a few days. I feel annoyed that I had to take the time to take care of it and force myself to rest and recover. It was a non issue, right? The lump was benign. Nothing to worry about. Let’s carry on.
My fiance has been constantly reminding me this week to take it easy. No, I cannot help carry our new couch up three flights of stairs. No, I cannot go back to work after only one day of recovery. Yes, you must take your pain medication.
I decided that I was healed the next day after the surgery and to stop taking the pain medication. I woke up my fiance at about 5am the following night nearly in tears from pain. And I got a lengthy explanation later that day about how ‘he told me so.’
I feel frustrated that I can’t do the things I normally do. It makes me feel helpless. And I hate that. I hate it not because I want to be independent. I hate it because I feel like I’m not worth the time and energy it takes to recover.
Typing this now, I realize how absurd that seems. I felt frustrated that I had to make time for myself to allow myself to heal. I realize that I pushed aside the potential seriousness of my situation and my recovery aside. All because I felt like I couldn’t take the time.
It’s been very difficult for me to sit at home and take care of myself these past few days. Telling myself that I need the recovery time. Understanding that my time to heal is not frivolous.
I am working on a list of challenges and goals for 2013, starting with being nicer to myself. So, this year is for me. To honor myself, and stretch myself, and to grow.
Happy new year.
